Two months to the Part 1 exams. The stakes are high for all of us. Our degree classification is very much dependent on this year’s results. These are tough times, but I keep telling myself and others that everything will be alright once we soldier pass this obstacle. The weekends and night classes, coupled with the usual day classes are draining us all. ATC Revisions are crazy. 

I’m drowning in the sea of information. On one hand, I feel like I am slacking too much, but on the other, I know that I am too tensed. Just a few nights ago, I went blank trying to recall the cases governing the duty of care for psychatric illness in tort – total blank on tort basics.

Everyday, I feel like I have not studied enough when the truth is, I am done with my exam notes and on the last phase of my revision. But every night before going to bed I tell myself, “not enough”, and I’ll end up studying till 3 am. It seems like I am trapped in this vicious circle, trying to perfect every point of my notes, and trying to make sure that I am not missing anything out. I can’t seem to move forward, and tell myself confidently that “I am ready”. What is holding me back? I think it’s fear, fear of failure  - something that our lecturers and seniors have instilled in us. 

I need to get rid of this fear. I am in need of strength to soldier on.

I have become increasingly disillusioned with whatever I am doing. I tried to seek for the strength that kept me going all these while, but all I found was emptiness. Everything does not seem alright, but perhaps the biggest problem of all is that I cannot put my finger on the exact problem.

I’m burnt out. I have not taken any real break since I could remember, but I cannot afford taking a break now. IHL Moot is just a month away, and I will have to improve myself tremendously to stand at least on par with participants from major universities in Asia. The ATC infamous “intensive revision” period is also less than a month away, and I am struggling  against time to complete my own revision before that. Although Rotaract term is unofficially over in view if the revision, but there are still some things that need to be settled.

I feel tired, of just about everything. I am tired of being nice, and I am tired of being helpful, because at the end of the day, I feel like I am being used without being appreciated.

I am just tired.

1. You woke up so early in the morning, had a light breakfast, work till the noon, and then started to feel sleepy.

2. You forgot what you have said, or heard from a friend over a telephone conversation the day before, and you have no idea what she was talking about when she reminded you of that.

3. You forgot to send three important e mail messages, and make one important phone call.

4. A ten minutes walk to the nearest bus stop seems like eternity.

5. On your day off, you prefer to stay home and laze around, rather than hang out and party.

6. You get easily irritated, and will start picking on the slightest thing, and grumble.

7. All of sudden, you prefer Bee Gees than Nickelback.

8. The words, “When did I say that?” became a daily staple.

Gosh. I feel old. And i need a PDA badly.

How do you balance between personal matters and work? How do you tell someone who are working with you that they are not doing enough without offending them? How do you make them understand that you respect them, but you need their co-operation. How do you make them understand that you do not mean to be blunt, but some things are better said now than left unsaid.

A good leader will be able to do such. I am however, still learning how to be a good leader. 

A good leader will tell you where you went wrong and lead you back to the right track. A good friend will do the same thing too. I guess there isn’t much different between a good leader and a good friend after all. A good leader, however will try to make you understand the urgent situation of the organisation that needs your attention, whereas a good friend will try to understand your situation. A good leader follows her brain; but a good friend follows her heart. 

How do you become a good leader, and a good friend at the same time? I find myself having a split personality at times. At one time, I want to be a good friend, but at another time, I will be strictly business-like.

They say, do not mix business and friendships, but it is only through friendships that an organisation can work in sync. It is through friendships that teamwork is formed.

I am trying hard to understand, and I will try to understand why some people do the things they do. I have no rights to judge them. As a friend, I am to accept them – warts and all. But as a leader, I know that what I have done is vindicated.  

It’s nothing personal, it’s just business.

Chiew Ee!

No one’s gonna save your @ss but yourself! 

Excuse me. I was just trying to justify myself for doing (or planning to do) something out of character, something contrary to my principles. But I can’t even convince myself that my actions are justified, what more others? I hate being an b!+ch, I tried not being one, but I felt that I am being pulled to the darker side more nowadays. Get a hold of yourself! I am being on the offensive and more confrontational (not that I’m not confrontational before) nowadays, I need to go back to basics.

Survival 101 – When not threatened, keep quiet

Survival 102 – When threatened, defend yourself

Survival 103 – If 102 does not work, attack

Gee. I think I have just bypassed 102 and went directly to 103. 

Sigh. If only things were much simpler. Where art thou, me light when I need-ed thou?

*Smack* Snap out of it!  I guess the cliche “desperate times call for desperate measures” rings true in desperate times like this. True to the nature of homo sapiens, we always strive to protect ourselves. It is the “survival of the fittest” according to Darwin’s theory of evolution. Outwit and outlast.

And I shall outwit and outlast! To hell with my so called principle (for this time only)